Embarrassing Questions.

Mom, where do lampshades come from?

The Paparazzi Has No Soul.

What has The World come to? This we asked of The World when the Paparazzi ruthlessly attacked Meredith and Me at our quiet Thanksgiving Dinner. So far, we haven't heard back.

It's Dinner Time!

So scrumptious you could eat us for dinner! Yes yes.

Oh Good Doggy Head.

Look at Mr. Poopy! I have lots of nice pictures of him because I stalked him at the Farmer's Market on Saturday. I wanted to ask him where he got that really nice jacket but I was too shy. Oh Mr. Cutehead Poopy Doo Doo. Doo Doo.

Deluxe Fucking Furnishings.

Did you know that I could easily afford a matching bedroom furniture set? I did. I'm fucking loaded. And I like to show off my material goods. Take a look at my Signature Cardboard Collection.

The Jewelry Box.
Some of us aren't lucky enough to have a Lesbian Girlfriend to buy us one.

The Entertainment Center/Night Stand.
This piece also slides out to triple as a Painting Table.

The Shelving Unit.
Shelves such valuables as the bubblegum-scented '13 Going on 30,' the ever vital Oxford Japanese-English Dictionary, and the Boggle.

The Underwear Drawer.
Probably my favorite part of the house.

Oh my! Stop looking at my underwear! Well my word, I neva.

"I Shall Single Handedly Revolutionize the Promotional Video Genre. This I Promise You." - Z. Carter 2006

So Zoë Carter proclaimed one Autumn Afternoon. "I have seized this uncommissioned project, this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, this ‘promotion’ if you will, to promote the city of Portland, Oregon through digital video!” Despite her reputation as a Flake, Carter enthusiastically promises testimonials and musical dance sequences. And noting that she has always had a thing, I mean, she has always had a special place in Her Heart for the little people (okay fine! yes, she has a crush on the little people), Carter is generously reaching out to you for support, ideas and special requests. What do YOU want to see in Portland’s Promotional Video? Please Post.

Oh How I Wish He Were My Friend.

Look at this guy. He's Cute. He's Wild. He's Meant for Me.

Blue and White: That's Me Tonight.

Remember that Stupid, Stupid Boston mug? Well here's the Portland version. Stupid Motherfucker.

P.S. Forevermore Black Tea shall make me think of You, Sweet Renee.

The World's Greatest Written Gift.

The World's Greatest Written Gift was given to one Lucky Girl. That Girl was me, on Monday, October 23, 2006, and this is what it said:

"ZOEDETH (sic),
Oh baby! What a delight to fucking write to you in 'Bees. We love your hot apples, eating kants, and planning for dreams/Halloween. What adventures are you plotting while we wait impatiently? Sometimes while pooping, thoughts wander - Oregon what a shithole! Just imagine - Boston embracing your firm buttocks!
Love,
Sam, Kathy! Jill
P.S. We all write this, one word at a time. Funny, eh?"

Thank you.

My Inner Halloween.

Just because I look like a Witch doesn't mean I don't love Dogs.